Fight

In 10 days I will be fighting for my life. Sheesh, that sounds a bit melodramatic! No, I don't have a terminal illness. Murderous barbarians are not hunting me down. The Fashion & Hygiene Nazi's don't have a warrant on me (why CAN'T I wear technical clothes all the time and not shower between workouts?!). No, I won't literally be fighting for my life, but I will have to be in that mindset for an upcoming ordeal where the outcome is someone wins and the other loses. I need to win and must fight to do so. And NO, it's not Eagleman! Natasha Badman's gonna win and I can't wait to marvel at her victory.

It's a Buddhist belief that within every person there is the capacity for great compassion and kindness as well as great self-preservation and aggression. Certain situations make for almost irresistable acts of generosity (who wouldn't help a cute abandoned puppy?) or cruelty (who didn't join in when the whole cafeteria was making fun of the nerdy, fat kid?). Other situations call for us to make decisions about our behavior where our morals, our nature, and our emotions are at odds.

I've figured out that it's not in my nature to fight. I'm certainly very competitive about all of things and relish in the thrill of victory--but scoring the highest on a test, making the best pot roast EVER, getting a PR at a race, or even winning my age group is not really about fighting. It's about doing the best that I can relative to others. It's not about throwing them under the bus or beating the crap out of them to win. I just don't think I could do harm someone else for the sake of winning. I would really suck at boxing, wouldn't I?

Then again, what kind of person would harm another for the sake of winning? Well, if we were at war that'd be a no brainer. If we grew up like male children in the Spartan culture and wanted to make it to puberty...there's another no brainer. [Spartan mothers would say to their sons as they went off to battle: "Return behind the shield or on it."] But for godsakes, I'm not presently in a combat situation; and DragonLady that my mom is, she would have kinder words than that to say to me.

I don't feel that I lack courage--I'm not afraid. I don't feel that I lack motivation--I want to win. I do feel that if it comes to figuratively delivering the victory blow I may hesitate. So somewhere in the depths of my zen-rific, "It's all good", Primum non nocere self I must find some fight and throw altruism out the window.

So what does this have to do with triathlon except that my trial is going to occur just before my "A" race? Alot of people talk about how triathlon, Ironman made them aware of something about/inside themselves that they didn't think they could do/know they had. I'm going to step completely outside of my comfort zone, act completely outside of my nature, and come out the other side muddy, bloody, and battered regardless if I win or lose--all before Eagleman. I'd be deceiving myself if I thought my performance at Eagleman won't be affected. What remains to be seen will be what that effect is.